I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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