Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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