my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Acid is not a monday night drug
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
