so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
