So drunk its hurt
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
