Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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