Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
