we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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