Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
