I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
