We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
