The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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