just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
