i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
