nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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