Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
