my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
