I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
