Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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