Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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