I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
