im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
