the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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