Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
