can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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