Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
