I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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