his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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