i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How does one acquire holy water?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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