There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
worst night to have a conscience
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Randomize