my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Alive.
So much puke
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
