Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
