I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
