They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
