I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize