She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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