I got chris browned last night
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
