We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
