dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
