This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize