Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
