My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
