Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
