his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize