She announced her abortion via fbk
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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