He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
