Apparently you make a good broom.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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