Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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