college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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