my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
