My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
