I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Buhtt sex?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
