one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
