textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize