He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have aggressive nipples.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
