Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
