Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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