please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize